Is Compassion Related to Empathy?

When we experience Empathy for another person, we attempt to feel with them. This definition sounds close to our compati, in that we are trying to experience something together. The difference is that Compassion is based in suffering and action, whereas Empathy can span the range of emotions. The sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others is the key to suffering together. The link between empathy and compassion is that the latter requires us to DO SOMETHING. Compassion is the feeling that arises in witnessing another’s suffering that motivates a subsequent desire to help.

How do we practice compassion?

Learning a new set of skills can be challenging. It takes practice and patience. Having a list of rules that we can play by can also be helpful. We will start with a basic set of 5 skills involved in experiencing compassion more regularly. First, we have to recognize the suffering of another. Similar to empathy, this requires us know what suffering looks like. Second, we have to remember that everyone has struggles. Whatever a person’s background. Everyone must struggle through different parts of life. The third part of practicing compassion is connection to the person who is suffering. We must experience emotional resonance. And 4) tolerating the feelings brought about to the person who is suffering. Remaining open to the potentially uncomfortable emotions is important for action. If we can not handle how sad we feel, for example, we will struggle to reach out our hand to the person in need. Finally, we must be motivated to act. It takes an action on our part to help others. Although having empathy is a good start for us to improve our communities, it is insufficient on its own. There must be an action associated with the feelings of empathy that produce good in the life of another person.

What are the steps?

• Recognize suffering;
• Understanding the universality of suffering in human experience;
• Feeling empathy for the person suffering and connecting with the distress (emotional resonance);
• Tolerating uncomfortable feelings aroused in response to the suffering person (e.g., distress, anger, fear) so remaining open and accepting of the person suffering;
• Motivation to act/acting to alleviate suffering.

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Project Firefly was developed by Stand4Kind as a gatekeeper program to protect young people from suicide. A gatekeeper is a person, in this case, who can recognize the signs and symptoms of suicide in others. Creating a community of Fireflies–lights in the darkness–with the vision to recognize when others are struggling and the skills to intervene is the goal. Project Firefly teaches students and teachers to L.I.T.E. the way for others.

• Listen to the person & Look for the signs of crisis.
• Identify the signs of crisis & Intervene
• Take the person in crisis to support & Take away means of suicide
• Engage & Encourage after the crisis has ended

Listening to the person & Looking for the signs of crisis

We know that most people who experience suicidal ideations attempt to communicate to others that they are in need of support. If we can give that person our full attention and offer them an opportunity to safely tell us what they are experiencing, the person in crisis will ask for our help. It is important that Fireflies are non-judgmental, not distracted, and empathizing with the person we are listening to. We know that our first instinct is to talk, talk, talk. Which is why our first step in the process is to LISTEN. Prevention starts with our ability to empathetically listen.

Looking for the signs of crisis is why we listen. When people are searching for help, they can communicate directly (e.g., “I am having thoughts about dying, they are scaring me, and I think I need help.”) or indirectly (e.g., “I am just so tired of life.”). Hearing these statements can be hard. Trying to say them, harder. But it is necessary that we look for the signals so we can provide the support.

Once we Identify the signs of crisis, we Intervene

The best intervention we can offer is ourselves. We want to be present, engaged, and focused on the person in front of us. Asking someone if they are having suicidal thoughts is one of the scariest questions we can ask. We pray the answer is “no.” But, when the answer is some form of “yes,” we need to be ready. Asking “the question” is straight forward: Sometimes when people say things that you are saying, they are also experiencing suicidal thoughts. Are you experiencing thoughts about hurting or killing yourself?” Just like that. That short. That direct. No ambiguity.

It is important that we stay calm during this process. After all, the person we are Listening to is in crisis. If we are also in crisis, we can not help them. Secondly, remember that it is your job to Listen, and provide hope. Not lecture them on the reasons they should want to live. The goal when we intervene is to give the person a sense of calm. Ultimately, we want them to let us help them find support.

Intervening to help the person in crisis and find support involves knowing what resources are available to you. This differs from place to place, but we will leave some links at the bottom of the article to point you in the right directions for community support.

Take the person to support & Take away means of suicide

When a person we know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, there are a couple of things we must do to link to the support we need.

1.  Take the situation seriously
   • Suicide is a moment of crisis. And if the person you are listening to asks to “be alone,” the answer from us is No.
   • It takes a lot of courage to ask for help. Take the person seriously or they may loose the courage they mustered to come to you in the first place.
2. Weigh the options that are available to you
   • It might be late at night. You might be communicating with your friend over text message. You are going to have to consider the specifics of your situation as you are weighing the options to you.
   • Is this person at home? Are there parents around? Are your parents home? If you are at school, can you get a teacher or counselor involved? Call 911 if there is an active suicide attempt, or emergency.
3. If the person refuses to engage with immediate support, like parents or teachers, there are options to call or text different crisis lines.
   • It can be scary to talk to an adult in a moment of crisis. But there are neutral adults available and a number of different resources around the country.

Take away the means of suicide

The second part of this step is to remove means of suicide. This involves asking the person who has told you they are thinking about suicide if they have a plan to kill themselves. We are going to ask the person if they have medications stockpiled, or if they have a firearm. If they tell us they have rope hidden they were going to use to hurt themselves, we must ask them to give it to us.

In the moment of crisis remember that us being supportive is the first priority. Letting the person in crisis know that we care about them. Giving the person in crisis hope, and helping pull them back from the edge of the crisis and help them see that there is a future for them that is not being dead.

Last year, 18.8% of youth actively considered suicide. 1 out of 5 young people. And 15.7% of youth actually made a plan to die. As Fireflies in the community, we can provide a light in the darkness. You can provide hope and connect a person in crisis to the support that can save a life.

Some additional resources:

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

SafeUT Mobile App

National Crisis Text Line

Stand4Kind

Psychological Flexibility – Acceptance v. Experiential Avoidance

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Bully-victims?

What may surprise some is that the youth who are most likely to bully are—themselves—victims of bullying; the so-called “bully-victims.” These young people may believe that bullying others is justified because they have been bullied. Or maybe they are in a social hierarchy where their position in the middle, where they are bullied by those above them, is maintained by bullying others at the bottom of the hierarchy. One thing is clear: it is unlikely that they do not know how harmful bullying is, and unlikely they do not realize what they are doing to others. And ignorance to how their actions make others feel is extremely difficult to believe.

Why do young people bully others?

There are a number of reasons young people bully others. The socially integrated bully will bully less popular students by using relational aggression and rumors in order to simultaneously prop themselves up and put others down. Young people attempting to climb the social ladder can also resort to bullying as a way to navigate the social hierarchy in an integrated way. The socially marginalized bully, in contrast, is a student who has few friends but finds socialization by dominating others. They may find that their power over others is their age, or physical size.

Young people can bully because it makes them feel good about themselves. Putting others down is a way to make someone feel good about themselves, in the short term. Boredom can be another reason to bully others. Bullies may be bored with their day-to-day lives at school. They may resort to bullying in order to add excitement or drama to their lives. Bullying is also a way for young people to get attention from their peers. Their actions against their victims may illicit laughter, or may catalyze others to join in.

Are you either a “bully,” or a “victim”?

There are many reasons for bullying. And the categories of “bully” and “victim” are not fixed. Rather, there are fluid dynamics at play where a person is likely to move back and forth between categories of bully and victim depending on the social circumstances and environment. Maybe we should be encouraging young people to identity the parts of themselves where they are vulnerable to mistreat others. If they can understand where the motivation to bully others is coming from, it may be preventable. If we acknowledge that every one of us is capable of bullying, then maybe we explore the circumstances where we might be capable of behaving in such a way. Only then can we help create communities where young people treat one another with respect and dignity.

Check out some of our other posts on bullying:

Bullying Prevention: Research to Practice

10-Tips to Stop Bullying

Bullying in our schools – Data from the CDC

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Being curious about new people…

is a great way to expand empathy. When we are curious about people who live outside of our immediate social circles we explore worldviews that are different from our own. Something you can do in your lives is to put in the effort to get to know people in your school. Organize an event where different clubs can get together and socialize. Introduce yourself to the new student in your grade. You may find that those introductions broaden your horizons and expand your thinking.

Exploring our shared commonalities…

is another way to expand empathy. Doing so allows us to see that others are not so different from ourselves at a deep level. Sometimes we give different groups of people labels. We might do this based on an interaction we have with a member of that group. Or we might draw our conclusions based on the things we have heard about the people in that group. Try to challenge your assumptions about different groups so that you can connect to individual people. Connecting to another person always helps to build bridges between groups. The act of building those bridges creates compassionate relationships where they may not have existed before.

Pay attention to the experiences you thought you would never have.

After college, I moved out of state for graduate school. I was still covered by my parent’s health insurance, and one day I had to go to the hospital. While I was in a gown, and waiting for the Doctor to see me, someone from billing came into the room and told me that my insurance was not accepted at that hospital and I would either need to leave or pay out of pocket for the services. Although I had called the insurance company ahead of time to see that the services would be covered, being asked to leave left me deeply reflective about the state of our healthcare system. I had good insurance, and I could not get the treatment I needed. What if I had NO insurance?

It was an experience I thought I would never have. And, frankly, it was an experience I was not prepared for. It made me think a number of things. I thought about being an un/under-insured parent and not being able to get healthcare for a sick child about not having insurance. And how much my parents were paying for their insurance. I thought about how lucky I was, and that there were folks who were not so lucky. From that moment, I have tried hard to pay attention to those experiences where I feel surprised.

Consider the proper action associated with the feelings of empathy.

We turn our thoughts of empathy into compassion through acts of kindness. Practice noticing your empathetic responses. And then work hard to exercise the empathy-muscle. Once you are practicing empathy, figure out what action is going to make the situation better. What are you going to do to create compassion in the world, from the empathy you experience moment-to-moment?

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