Skipping over a song we don’t fancy is no problem but we feel differently about mistakes. Making a mistake is generally something we try to avoid. Students too often view mistakes as something to feel ashamed or embarrassed about, humiliated by, or fearful of. Mistakes are often not embraced because they are not encouraged. Too often, mistakes are actively discouraged. The truth is that making mistakes is a critical part of how people learn. Mistakes are crucial pieces of information that force us to reconcile our actions with unanticipated outcomes, and help us forge ever more accurate and robust solutions.

How our brains respond to Mistakes

The part of our brain that is responsible for learning and memory—the hippocampus—can help us understand mistakes. Cells in this area of the brain are able to identify when there is a “mismatch” between our memory and the current environment. When you just can’t seem to find your car, everything in the parking garage looks familiar, but you feel that you are NOT in the right place. The feeling even happens before you are aware. Before we are consciously aware we are getting “warmer,” we start to unconsciously recognize the environment that is around our car as correct.

Mistakes trigger the same types of processes. “Error neurons’ are part of our brains way of signaling when we are moving in the wrong direction. Within milliseconds of any error, these “Error” cells respond in direct proportion to the size of the mistake. These cells also trigger new connections to be made in our brains when we make mistakes. We can’t help but learn from our mistakes!

Where the fear of mistakes come from

When we structure learning environments for young people to make mistakes, we maximize the potential for learning. Acknowledging and accepting that failing is scary is the first step to incorporating failure into the process of learning. The fear of error comes from a place that is ancestral. When our early ancestors made mistakes, it often meant they paid the price with their life. Being revealed/labeled as incompetent can also lead to a downward spiral of anxiety and performance issues, as well. And our brains respond to this type of event…with fear. The same type of negative emotion you experience when you find a spider, is the same neural process that happens after a mistake. When students make a mistake, we must support them in rooting out negative thoughts like “I am stupid,” and replace them with the thought “I am learning.”

The problem with only exploring territory that we understand is that we have very little to gain from that territory. If we map out everything around us the danger might be moderated, but so is the gain. We are unlikely to get trapped by something unexpected, but we are also unlikely to learn something new. The problem with unexplored territory, however, is that it is dangerous. We don’t know what lurks around the corner.

What can we do about it?

The solution to this problem is to stay at the border of what we know and what we do not yet know. Psychologists call this space the “the zone of proximal development.” It is the space at the edge of our knowledge. Failure is common when we are pushing ourselves to the edge of our abilities. When we must use everything we know to extrapolate an answer about something unknown our learning is made as efficient as possible. When a problem is easy to solve, or familiar, a student feels confident and empowered. But when a problem is more difficult to solve and a student feels confident in their abilities they are likely to give it a try. And when an error is made, the student and teacher can diagnose the error, and incorporate the solution into future problems.

Embrace the error

When students make mistakes, our first inclination might be to “correct” them. Showing them that their answer was not correct, how and why it is was not correct, and giving them an understanding as to how to find the correct solution. What if students had the freedom to make errors? If students learned in a classroom where mistakes are encouraged versus corrected. Errors are commonplace. Everyone makes mistakes. Even teachers writing at blackboards has been shown to model mistakes to the class, normalizing mistake making to students in a way that humanizes the experience.

Embracing the commonplace of error will make our students better learners and our teachers’ better teachers. When we are able to take risks without fear of reprisal or humiliation, the classroom becomes a place where experimentation is encouraged and “risks” appear to have smaller consequences.

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My wife and I moved to Alabama one year ago. Moving from Utah was a big change. All of our friends and family still reside in Utah, and at the time we moved we did not know anyone in Alabama. Not. One. Single. Person. If we were going to be successful after we moved, we would need to build a social network. So, we made friends with her colleagues at work, and worked hard to connect with people who are supportive and invested in our wellness. Looking back, there are a few tips that stand out from building a new group of friends:

1. Connecting with people is about seeing value in the unique parts of each person.

   1. Sometimes we are surrounded by people who feel really different from us; people from different backgrounds, religions, states and countries. Searching out those unique parts of each person we come into contact with while we are building a community helps to look beyond the immediate differences to discover all of the things that we have in common with another person. An article in Psychology Today really highlighted some great ways to connect with other individuals, including “trading self-consciousness for interest in another person!”

2. Make time for people.

   1. If you want to build a strong community, it takes time and effort. This might not come as a surprise, but making time for people is actually very difficult in our busy lives. Maybe it is baking small loaves of bread to introduce yourself to the neighbors or asking a friend to dinner so that you can get to know them better, there are lots of ways that we can make time for people to let them know that they are important to us. “Making a plan” to participate in the world was another tip highlighted in the Psychology Today article.

3. Explore new hobbies with other people.

   1. A great way to meet other people and build relationships is to find out what they enjoy doing, and explore those activities with them. Maybe your new friends like to hike, or cook, or read, or run, whatever it is they enjoy doing learning a new hobby can be a great way to grow and a great way to build community. When you show interest in others, it generally is the case that the interest is reciprocated.

4. Keep showing up.

   1. It can be really tiring to engage with your community when you might really just want to relax at home and read a book, or watch a movie. But, if you keep showing up consistently for your blossoming community, it will grow in ways that you might be surprised by. Go to the school dance. Cheer on the basketball team. Volunteer to help the drama club with their fall production. When you put yourself out there, and keep showing up, your community will grow.

5. Share your gifts with others.

   1. You are a delightful and interesting person! One who others want to be around. And you have special interests and characteristics that other people are interested in learning about. Building community is partly about you being interested in others, but it is also about giving other people the opportunity to show interest in you. If you love to cook, invite some friends over and make them dinner. Take your favorite desert to your next youth group meeting. Show your new friend out on your favorite hike. Tell people all about those things that you care about and your community will solidify around you.

We all need social support and friendship in our lives. When we are surrounded by meaningful relationships, we can weather tougher circumstances, experience more joy, and live more fully. And although building relationships with others takes time and effort, it is well worth it!

The post The importance of community appeared first on Stand 4 Kind.

Experiencing peer pressure as a young person

I remember my first encounter with alcohol clearly. I was 15 years old and on a trip for an athletics competition. We did have “adult supervision,” but that person was obviously irresponsible. Being 15 years old, sans parental supervision, in another state, with a couple peers, I can say that I was not prepared to avoid peer pressure. The “adult” provided the alcohol, and the lot of us underage youth drank it.

Now, I did not drink again until I was in college…but I did drink that night. Looking back, there is a world where I—as a 15-year-old—was perfectly able to decline, and retain my dignity; however, on that occasion I was unprepared. The peer pressure from my peers was overwhelming, and the pressure from the adult who was present was implicit. Many times, that is the case. Even if the pressure from one’s peers feels manageable, the pressure from those people who the young person considers idols pulls them across the line of resistance.

Creating environments where the pressure is positive

All these years later, almost 20 now, I look back and think about that night. What tools would I have needed in order to decline? The pressure to drink seemed immense. At the time, it seemed inescapable. The alcohol was provided by an “adult” figure who I looked up to. A person who was actually responsible for my well-being. I was with friends who didn’t seem to be averse to the experience. (Even if their perception was the same as mine, and they were thinking of ways to say “no,” but not finding the courage to do so.) So, how could that night have been prevented, or changed? Back then, I knew that my parents would not approve of me drinking. But I never remember an explicit conversation warning me about the circumstances in which alcohol might present itself.

Preparing young people for just how difficult it is to resist peer pressure one of the reasons that we encourage them to associate with peers who will steer them in the right direction. Peers who are invested in their success. Peers as motivated as we want our youth to be. As young people begin to explore their identities away from their family, they do so with their friends. What we hope is that they align themselves with peers whose judgment is collectively good. “Collectively good judgement” might need a bit of explanation.

What is collective judgment?

When people, of any age, are in a group they have the potential to behave differently than if they were simply by themselves. Think about “individual judgement” being when a person is alone, and “collective judgment” referring to that judgement that is decided by a group. When young people get together, we need to ensure that they are set up to be successful with this collective judgment. Often, young people are set up to fail. Set up to collectively make poor decisions. Too little supervision. Indirect communication about the state of the world.

Keep the conversation going

Focus the conversation about peer pressure on providing education and support to our youth. And keep in mind that action on our part is required to help support young people. We must act to help set young people up for success. To help them find environments where they can be successful with their peers, and to give them the tools they need to confidently stand up and speak for themselves if they find themselves in a situation where the actions of their peers do not match their values.

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My wife and I have always been walkers. Living in Salt Lake, our apartment was right below a part of the city called the Avenues. A grid-like neighborhood with smaller homes and crisscross streets. The streets were all lined with sidewalks. There were crosswalks were at every intersection to encourage pedestrian traffic. As many of the residence would walk to the grocery store, or one of the many local restaurants or coffee shops the neighborhood had to offer, there were always people walking about at all times of day. Walking was always a leisure and bonding activity for us. Although we moved to Alabama last June, we kept daily walks as a part of our routine. The walks served as a time for my wife and I to spend time together talking, catching up after our days at work, and just enjoying each other’s company.

Escaping the stress presented by the doom and gloom seem to be a primary function of our walks, these days. Getting away from our phones and iPads is an important part of that escape. Those walks are also a chance for us to get out of the house. Which is something only  to be done for “essential travel.” And most importantly, our daily walks keep our dog from getting too stir crazy.

Teens coping with daily stress?

A recent article printed in the Washington Post highlighted the importance of getting out of the house during these times of deliberate isolation, particularly for teens. The article, titled Teens are discovering a cure for coronavirus anxiety: Walks. No phones allowed., recognizes that “a lot of teenagers across the country,” the article highlights, are “stuck at home, deprived of school and friends, anxious about a future suddenly upended by the coronavirus pandemic.” Many young people are attempting to find a new normal. Establishing new routines. Exploring new ways to remain socially connected to their friends and family.

A mandatory slowdown can be a bit jarring for those who are used to busy schedules. Some school work has transitioned home, and is occupying time for students. But the opportunity for hour-after-hour of Netflix has never been greater. Add to that a constant connection to social media, with its benefits of helping us feel connected and its detriments of overwhelming us with a million different voices, and young people could reach the end of each day wondering where the time went.

Could going for a walk be a part of my new normal?

Take a moment and think about your “new normal.” What are some ways that you could structure your time that leave you more fulfilled at the end of each day? Maybe reading a book would give you a sense of victory every day as you move your bookmark further and further. A great way to remain connected while staying isolated might be to Facetime or Zoom your friends/grandparents. Switch up your evening of Netflix for a family board-game. It may be just the thing to help you feel a bit more connected. And maybe leaving your phone at home and taking a walk around your neighborhood is just what the Dr. ordered.

Check out some of our other posts:

Social Media – Tool or trap?

Bullying in our schools – Data from the CDC

Values: What are the things that matter, and how do we decide what to reach for?

The post Cabin fever? Try going for a walk! appeared first on Stand 4 Kind.

Parents have a difficult job in front of them at the moment. Jobs may be laying off employees or, if you are lucky, requiring workers to take their jobs and work from home. Schools have let out, many have done so for the remainder of the year. Which further complicates the lives of parents who now have to juggle working from home with taking care of children throughout the day. Talking to your kids about grown up topics is tough. Younger kids may be asking questions like: “are you and dad going to get sick?”; “what about grandpa and grandma?”; “are we safe?” And older kids may be asking you about things they are hearing online, from their friends, and from the news. A recent article from CNN outlined several different strategies that may be helpful for parents who are not sure how to have this tough conversation:

1. Be reassuring, but be honest:

We may not have all the answers, as parents, but we do have the thing our kids need most: a deep meaningful relationship. In moments like this, where people are confused, fall back on the fact that your kids trust you, and your behavior often determines their level of concern. Assure your kids that they are going to be ok, and you are going to get through this together. Address your child’s fears, as those fears are real (in fact, none of us really know, yet, what the scope of this event may look like), but reassure them that people are working hard to help those who get sick and prevent as many healthy people as possible from getting sick as well.

2. Do not avoid the subject:

Young people, of every age, are keen observers. They hear and see things that adults often wish they hadn’t. Parents can act as a filter for kids of all ages. Young kids may be hearing a lot about the Coronavirus, and it may be a helpful first step to talk to them about the fact that “this is a fancy word for what we normally call a cold or the flu and something that has been around for a long time. Now there is a new virus, and that is what everyone is talking about.”

Kids are really going to benefit when we take the time to be transparent with our kids. They are, in all likelihood, already aware that there is something going on that is really really big. Take the time to explain it to them so they can stop wondering about the elephant in the room.

3. Less can be more:

While we are spending time with our children, it is important that we listen to them to understand their concerns. Often kids will respond well to a parent who is calmly and quietly giving them an opportunity to express themselves. Filling silences with talking might be something that we are used to doing in a number of different areas of our lives; however, giving our kids time to think with us there to support them is a great way for us to understand what their concerns might be, so that we can reassure them.

4. How to say, ‘I don’t know’:

It is important for us to say “I don’t know,” when presented with a question that we do not know the answer to. It seems as though this is antithetical to everything we understand about contemporary society, however. With our smartphones, if we have a question about the world often the answer is just a few key strokes away. When our kids ask us a question that we do not know, and we cannot simply look up (e.g., “are you going to get the virus?”), we can take that moment to say “I don’t know the answer to that.” We can also add reassurance to that as well by encouraging them that “it seems most people who get sick are getting better.”

Telling kids that you can “look things up together,” is another empowering way to model the fact that it is ok not to know everything. Reassure them that “we can find the answer together.” When these kinds of statements are made to children in a calm and inquisitive way, and not in a panic-stricken way, is generally not a worrying event for children.

5. Calm yourself down first:

Just like my brother at the grocery store, there are times where we need to ask our children to put their questions about the world on hold, momentarily. In those moments, where we realize that we might be really scared or anxious about the state of the world, it is important for us to calm ourselves down before attempting to navigate the crisis with our kids. Remember, that kids of different ages express anxiety differently. It may be a temper tantrum with our younger kids, rapid fire questioning from our pre-teen kids, and withdrawal from our older kids. Whatever the behavioral expression of anxiety, be sure that we are not misreading children’s misbehavior as oppositional and seeing it for what it is: deep concern about the world or their family. Talking to your kids will help minimize these feelings of anxiety.

6. Power them up:

When we feel helpless, we all attempt to find things that we can do to control our feelings of chaos: see the toilet paper isle at Costco. There are things that we can do to empower our kids as well. For those younger kids it may be washing your hands “to kill the germs,” or acting through play to “cast a spell on the virus,” or “pretending to be Elsa (from the movie Frozen) and freezing the virus.”

Empower older kids through talk too! For those seniors who are looking at no longer having a high school graduation, they are now part of a very adult community that must sacrifice their individual desires for the greater good of the community. For those seniors, this virus could come to define the values of a generation if their parents frame the crisis appropriately and contextualize the role of the child as a member of their community.

Lots of uncertainty is present in the coming days and weeks and, possibly, months and years. But one thing is for certain: whatever the crisis, parents can help their children adjust to a new way of life, and children can be resilient and strong in the face of adversity.

Catch some of our other posts:

COVID-19 closed schools? Student tips for time at home

Values: What are the things that matter, and how do we decide what to reach for?

Psychological Flexibility: Time to relax my thinking

The post Talking to your kids about Coronavirus appeared first on Stand 4 Kind.

            When was the last time you remember being so busy or preoccupied that you felt like you may have missed out on something important? Most of us can look back and think about a time or experience that we wish we could make linger a little longer—summer vacation just ended, after all. But, there are always a dozen reasons not to stop and smell the roses, putting things off until ‘later’. Make no mistake about it, we have to sacrifice to think about the future and to make plans; however, this sacrifice comes at the expense of the present moment—think about procrastination being the direct opposite: sacrificing in the future (the all-nighter before the final paper is due) for the sake of comfort in the present moment (not worrying about that paper until AFTER Thanksgiving break!). Sometimes we have to think ahead though. When I need to plan my finances, for example, thinking about when I need to pay rent and how much money I am going to need to do that, not living fully in the momentis probably a good thing. But the fact remains, thinking about the future takes me out of the glorious moments of the present, and sometimes when we live with the promise of living more fully later, “later” never seems to come at the right time. We have all had that thought: “if I can just make it through _______, then I will be ok.”We repeat this mantra to ourselves over and over again; if I can just make it through: this class; this year; this mile; this difficult phase of my life; THEN, I will relax and invest in my relationships, I will go back to school, I will pay off some debt, etc.

            Developing the willingness and ability to live fully in the present moment is central to learning to live more mindfully day-to-day. Further, living a conscious life that is guided by our values is based on being in contact with the present moment so that you can identify what our values are, and how closely we are adhering to them. So, let’s talk about some things that we can practice in order to learn to be more mindful in our daily life and help bring us back to the present moment if we start drifting into distressing thoughts of the future or ruminating on the past: 

1) pay attention to the sights and sounds in the world around you, it will help bring you into the moment as the rest of the world only exists in the here and now; 

2) remind yourself to be present and fully engaged when you are interacting with other people—really listen to people when they speak, and attend to the things they are saying; 

3) close your eyes and focus on the pattern of your breathing; 

4) do not be judgmental of the thoughts you are experiencing in the present moment. Instead, simply attempt to notice the thoughts for what they are: neither inherently good, nor inherently bad; 

5) try paying attention when you are eating: what are the textures and smells of the food you are eating, pat attention to the process of eating and notice how you feel satisfied as you become ready to complete the meal; and 

6) maybe next time you are out for a walk, cleaning your room, doing the dishes, or any other task you are completing throughout the day, try simply attending to the task in that moment and doing nothing else.

            Why does being mindful and attending to the present in a flexible way matter? Well, the alternative is a constant barrage of information such that we are unable to focus on any of it. When our attention is constantly shifting around from place to place—looking at our phones, while listening to a friend we are sitting with, while thinking about what we want to do after school, we “see” and “hear” all of it while making sense of very little of it. And pretty soon, because of the way our brain prioritizes incoming information in order to decide what to pay attention to, we struggle to remain in the present moment when we are under-stimulated. It gets to the point where watching Netflix is no longer enough and you end up watching Netflix while scrolling through Instagram or watching YouTube at the same time because you require that level of input to feel stimulated. Being mindful and engaged in the present moment is critical for coping skills, as seeing those reasonable alternatives to the problems we face in any given moment require us to be able to look directly in front of us and identity them. So, try some of the activates above to put yourself more fully in the present moment and not only will the people around you be thankful, you will thank yourself when you experience the full joy that each moment that this lovely world, and the people in it, have to offer.

The post Mindfulness & flexible contact with the present moment appeared first on Stand 4 Kind.

There are all kinds of instances where we fuse with unhelpful thoughts. How quickly does making a mistake in our lives translate into that classic thought “I’m so stupid.” How about being called to the office, or having a teacher ask to speak to you after class? I remember all kinds of thoughts welling up when I was young and got a request like that. Well, these types of ideas are the kinds that we internalize over time and can tend to be a very sticky things that we end up fused to. The technique of defusion is one that encourages us to step back, and look at our thoughts, instead of looking at the world from the perspective of our thoughts. After all, we know that words in our minds can be a tricky thing to control, or eliminate; therefore, we want to learn the skill of pulling the words away from their meaning if they are not helpful. In the example of a person making a small mistake and immediately having the thought “I am stupid” ‘Pop!’ into their head (we have all been there), we can first simply start by acknowledging the fact that I am having the thought that “I am stupid”as a result of something that happened outside of my head. This moves us one layer away from being fused to an otherwise unhelpful thought and gives us a little space between ourselves and the thought.

One of the examples used earlier, being called to the office, results in feelings of stress and anxiety and often forces us into a situation where we are rehearsing for ourselves a situation where we believe that the only reason that we would be called to the office is if we were in trouble; therefore, the reason that we are being called to the office IS that we ARE in trouble. Again, something happens around us and spotlights an area where we are fused to our thoughts. Defusion is the process of stepping away from those thoughts and giving yourself room to breathe. So, instead of fusing to the thought “I am being called to the office and I am probably in trouble!”remind yourself that “I am having the thought that I am going to be in trouble because I was called to the office,”and see that although there is anxiety in both statements, in the second you have a little bit of space between your thoughts so that you can evaluate your choices more objectively and take action. So, if you have been asked to stay after class by a teacher and you feel your heart beating fast and anxiety about this impending meeting, the first step might be to say to yourself ‘I am noticing that I am feeling very anxious at this request’ and then resist the powerful drive to avoid the feelings of this thing that is creating worry. This might give you the chance to slow down your thinking, and recognize that you just did very well on the last test, and the teacher may want to ask that you help others who may be struggling with the material; or that the teacher had some ideas about a project that they knew you were working on and is excited to talk to you about them!

            Let’s think about another example: when I was a kid I was a competitive swimmer, I started when I was 6 years old and I swam all the way through college, as a scholarship athlete at the University of Utah. At different points in the year, local, regional, and national level competitions would be scheduled and it was usually the case that within any 6-month period of time, I was preparing for a “big-race.” I can tell you that at this time, I was training long hours, and putting lots of pressure on myself to do well. Before college, I was really trying to ensure that I could earn a scholarship to University, and in college I really wanted to keep my scholarship and do the best I can for the team to qualify for bigger races. On any given week I could gauge my performance relative to a strict schedule that was put together to track my progress (this was a schedule that I put together with the coaches at the beginning of every season as a way to ensure that we could meet our goals). Suppose that I am becoming increasingly nervous about how I will perform on the day of the “big-race,” and I start visualizing myself ‘choking.’ I might imagine my teammates being disappointed in me. I might think about having a tough conversation with my coaches after a disappointing result. In fact, just thinking about what my coach might say in response to falling short of our goals causes me to panic. This raises my concerns about failure even further. In some sense, I seem to have stumbled on this treasure trove of anxiety that starts to identify the big race as a negative one, even though we are still weeks away.

In a state where I am fused to my thoughts, the thought of the disappointment, panic, and sadness associated with all of the preparation I had been doing not providing the result that I expected would become the focus of my anxiety. Not the big race itself. Notice, in this example, that I am weeks away from the big race. In fact, I may never have been to a competition like this before. Yet, because of fusion, many of the verbal tools that I use to describe my feelings about the big race have brought the anxiety of the performance that is months away, right to my door step. Today. And without having even been to the big-race, I am already experiencing the feelings of panic and anxiety that are tied to my perceived failure. At this point, I have the option of Experiential Avoidance, or the idea that moving toward something we really want often will bring up feelings that are not positive (e.g., think about the goal of going to college versus the stress of taking the SATs), or I can defuse from my thoughts and simply try to notice that I am feeling anxious about the big race, giving myself a little space between me and the anxiety and a chance to make a plan and keep moving towards my goals and values. Remember, the goal of defusion is to get your arms around the language we use so that it does not control us (become fused to our actions), and we can manage difficulty on our way to living out our values and chasing after meaning in our lives!

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