We know that the definition of bullying is intentionally hurtful behaviors that are repeated over time and directed at a person of lesser power. The part of that equation that may be tough to identify is intentionally hurtful. You might be thinking to yourself: ‘maybe my actions arehurtful, but I would never do anything to hurt someone on purpose.’ You might be thinking to yourself: ‘but I don’t look like the bullies that I see on TV,’ ‘the bullies that I see on TV do not have any friends.’ Or even: ‘my friends know that I am just joking,’ ‘the things that I am doing actually get a laugh out of people, so how can they be bullying?’ Let’s think about some of the ways that we can assess our relationships with others to better determine if those relationships are happy and healthy ones, or if they need a re-evaluation.

Am I a bully?

Some signs that my behavior might be bullying

1. Think about the nature of your friend group. Consider each person in that group and their specific contribution to the group. If you think that certain people are really only invited to hang around because they are the butt of everyone’s joke, this person may be the target of this groups bullying. If this is you and your friends, challenge the status quo next time someone decides that fun is going to be had at the expense of one of your “friends.”
2. Think about the topics that you and your friends talk about. If the majority of your conversations are talking about others, spreading rumors, gossip, or laughing at/about other people you might be participating in social/relational bullying. If this is you and your friends, next time the conversation starts to veer toward gossip, just remember the quote from the First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt: Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
3. Take a moment and consider who the bullies are in your school. What are the kinds of things that they have done to make you identify them in your mind? What are the things that you have heard about their behavior that make you identify them as bullies? If you are struggling to identify anyone, or your first response is: ‘we don’t have bullies at my school,’ you may want to carefully consider what you consider to be bullying.
4. Boys often engage in rough and tumble play. But, consider if your physicality with your friends is mutual and goes-both-ways, or if you might be physically dominating your weaker peers. Do you regularly use pushing, shoving, or taunting when engaging with your friends, or other members of your class? If this is you, think carefully about the role that physical aggression has in your relationships because you may be physically bullying others.
5. Do you play games where you and your friends actively ignore others? Where you purposely exclude someone for a period of time. If this is you, consider how your actions affect others. Specifically, think about how you might feel if your friends did that to you. Maybe your friends havedone this to you and everyone in the group ‘gets a turn’ being excluded; if this is you and your friends, consider new ways to engage with each other where no-one has to feel lousy—including you!

There are all kinds of reasons that people justify their bullying behavior. Bullying is no big deal, everybody laughs and there is no harm in having a little fun. Some kids deserve it, they bring it on themselves with their outlandish behavior. It’s what we doin my friend group, this is the way that we choose to interact with each other. It feels good to dominate others, putting others down makes me feel good. My behavior gets me attention from my peers, and I enjoy the attention I receive.I bully others because I have been bullied; sometimes when we have been bullied or treated poorly we use that as a reason for mistreating others. It takes honesty and bravery to evaluate your own behavior. But the good news is that there are things that you can do if you start to recognize bullying behavior in yourself. Remember, no-one deserves to be bullied. You can change the ways that your friend group interacts with one another, or find a friend group whose values align with you. Dominating others does not lead to lasting or meaningful relationships. The attention bullies get from their peers is not positive. And being the victim of bullying, as unfortunate as it is, is not a reason to justify bullying others.

The things you have done in the past do not necessarily determine what your future will be. If you recognize bullying behavior in yourself, you get to determine if that behavior changes. If the thought comes up in your mind that ‘I am a bully,’ just remember: you get to determine the relationships you have with others.

Get out there and Stand4Kind!

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1. Know what you are looking for: When we know exactly how to define bullying (i.e., Bullying is intentionally hurtful/aggressive behaviors, repeated over time, and directed at a person of lesser power), identifying the behavior is easier to accomplish; however,
2. Never ignore behaviors that concern you: Even if you may not be able to fully determine if a behavior between two people is bullying, never assume that something is harmless if you find yourself concerned. Something that may seem benign to you may not be. Take time to reassure the victimized student that you are there for them, and if they need anything you are there to explore options with them.
3. Remain engaged and connected: One of the best ways to determine if someone may be experiencing bullying is to engage young people on a daily basis and ask open-ended questions that encourage conversation (e.g., “How was your day?” is a question that can, as any parent will tell you, be answered in one word: “Good.” Compared with a question like: “What was the best part of your day,” or “what kinds of things did you learn about today in school?”).
4. If you see bullying, act immediately: Intervene as soon as you can if you believe that there may be a problem between two students. Similarly, if you are a student experiencing victimization reach out for help immediately. Intervene as quickly as you can when you witness someone else being bullied. Bullying is not “kids being kids.” Victims and perpetrators of bullying both are vulnerable to lasting and negative consequences associated with bullying.
5. Remain calm: When you intervene, try not to escalate the situation or attempt to argue the facts in the moment. The goal of the moment of intervention is not to solve the crisis, it is to stop it safely. Separate the two, or more, students directly involved in the bullying and encourage the bystanders to move along to their expected destinations.
6. Do not make the students involved work it out in the moment: There is no evidence to support the idea that a forced apology and/or shaking hands will resolve the bullying or change the relationship between the bully and his victim. Explain that bullying is taken very seriously and that you plan on investigating what is going on to get the full picture before deciding what the next steps will be. This will give you time to get more information and decide how to move forward.
7. Deal with the students individually: After separating the students involved in the bullying, keep them separate. There is no evidence that putting the bully and the victim together to “work it out” has any benefit. Talk to the bully, victim, and bystanders individually so that everyone can tell their side of the story without fear of repercussions.
8. Hold the bystanders accountable: We know that bystanders provide the bully an audience. We also know that bystanders have a significant role in bullying prevention. Explain to the witnesses that bullying is wrong, and the behavior will not be tolerated by the school. Furthermore, bullying should not be tolerated by them either. Encourage bystanders who do not feel safe intervening to tell a trusted adult what they are witnessing without fear of retaliation.
9. Make sure that you listen to all parties, and save your judgements until you have all of the information: Imagine you are on a playground where you see one child hit another child. The easy conclusion is that the victim in this case is the child who was hit, and the aggressor/bully is the child who did the hitting. It could be the case that the child who aggressed has spent weeks or months being bullied, and has now retaliated.
10. Follow-up: Continued follow-up with both the victim and the bully will ensure that the relationship between the two no longer continues to be corrosive. Using bullying as an attempt to socialize or gain social power is unhealthy for the bully and the victim. Bullying is a maladaptive way for young people to interact with each other, and it cannot be tolerated. Children who bully others need to be taught how to socialize with others in healthy ways.

Spotting bullying is difficult. Stopping it when you see it is even more difficult. Knowing your schools anti-bullying policy is a great first step in bullying prevention. While using the 10-Tips listed above can certainly help support a safe school environment for your students, there are a number of other interventions that may better fit the needs of your particular school. We would love you hear your thoughts about prevention strategies that have been successful for your classrooms. Remember that bullying is not just “kids being kids.” And it is not behavior that we have to accept in our schools and communities.

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1. Behaviors that contribute to unintentional injury and violence
2. Tobacco use
3. Alcohol and other drug use
4. Sexual behaviors related to unintentional pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections
5. Unhealthy dietary behaviors, and
6. Physical inactivity

The first category the YRBS measures—Behaviors that contribute to unintentional injury and violence—includes categories like “Carried a weapon,” “Carried a weapon on school property,” or “Were in a physical fight.” These categories ask students about their personal experiences, and are kept completely anaonymous. Also measured under this category is Bullying. Students were asked specifically if they “were electronically bullied,” or “bullied on school property” in the 12 months prior to the survey.

Bullying and the YRBS

Bullying is intentional acts of aggression that are directed at a person of lesser power and repeated over time. Nationwide, 19.0% of students report being bullied on school property during the 12 months before the survey. This number seemed high to me when I first saw it. 1 out of 5 students experiencing bullying seemed so high that I wanted to check and see if the climate for bullying had become worse or better over the years. Turns out, the last 10 years of YRBS indicate that things have not changed much. In 2009 19.9% of students reported being bullied. In 2013, it was 19.6%. Given that rates of bullying have not changed much in the last 10 years, according to the data, I was surprised. The reason for my surprise is that bullying is a topic that is getting more and more attention from all angles, and I would expect that rates of bullying would be decreasing with all of the attention.

How come rates of bullying do not seem to have changed?

Maybe what is happening is that as we are all becoming more aware of what bullying looks like, we are able to better “see” it when it happens. Our efforts to combat bullying are not being done in vein. But as fast as we are combating bullying, we are understanding that interactions between young people that we once thought were “normal,” are, in fact, bullying. Additionally, people who research bullying are learning how to ask the right questions for students to accurately report their experiences in schools. And maybe teachers are better spotting these behaviors in the moment.

So, when I look at the YRBS, and the last 10-years of bullying data that indicate that rates of bullying “have not changed,” I see the people who want to combat bullying asking the right questions to better assess bullying behavior and developing interventions that are working for young people around the country. I see students, teachers, and parents bringing the conversation about bullying out into the open, and giving everyone the opportunity to engage in school safely and free from the threat of bullying. I am hopeful that the next 10-years will bring better tools and better interventions to stop bullying. I am hopeful that young people will learn to stand up for those who are isolated and lonely. And I am hopeful that we will continue to identify the needs of those individuals in our community who would benefit from kindness.

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How Do We Stop Bullying?

Zero Tolerance

Schools are meant to be a safe haven for children, an educational oasis where they should be free from hunger, fear, and bullies. Most schools now have a zero-tolerance bullying policy. According to the Department of Education, a zero tolerance policy is one that “results in mandatory expulsion of any student who commits one or more specified offenses.”

However, the Association of American Educators argues that zero-tolerance policies may not be effective. In fact, these policies ma cause more harm than good because they do not allow for crucial nuances to affect punishment and disproportionately affect children of color. The American Psychological Association has supported this claim since 2008.

Kindness Is Key

Zero tolerance policies aren’t working. But kindness may be able to.

Skeptics may scoff at this, saying “kindness can’t be taught!” But they would be wrong. Kindness is a teachable habit that has the potential to completely alter school culture. Here’s how:

Ending Bullying With Kindness

The Science of Kindness

You may have heard of oxytocin referred to as the “love hormone” because it is released during hugs. According to Medical News Today, it also “impacts bonding behavior, the creation of group memories, social recognition, and other social functions.” Acts of kindness release oxytocin, along with dopamine and serotonin–all feel-good chemicals.

But these emotional boosts only last a few minutes. In order to reap more permanent benefits of kindness, altruistic acts have to be repeated. When you teach school kids to be kind, they learn to recognize the positive emotional benefits of kindness, and naturally want to repeat the process.

How To Teach Kindness

According to neuroscience expert Dr. Patty O’Grady, “Kindness changes the brain by the experience of kindness. Children and adolescents do not learn kindness by only thinking about it and talking about it. Kindness is best learned by feeling it so that they can reproduce it.”

The science is clear on why teaching kindness matters. However, deciding how to teach kindness is more subjective. Here are some tried and true ways that educators use to teach their students to be considerate.

1. Mindfulness: Mindfulness has many definitions, and can mean different things to different people. In general, it is the habit of being aware and present in the moment. Mindfulness is being aware of our actions and how they make us and others feel. Mindfulness can be taught to students, even young ones! There are lots of age-appropriate techniques for teaching kids to be more emotionally aware.
2. Social Emotional Learning: Social Emotional Learning, or SEL for short, is when students learn about their emotions and how their actions affect others through empathy, set positive goals, and create healthy relationships with others. SEL focuses on fostering collaboration, responsibility and compassion in children. To encourage SEL, teachers engage with students by asking empathetic, open-ended questions and focus on cooperation and healthy conflict resolution.
3. Celebrate Kindness: There are nearly endless ways to celebrate kindness. Have your class write compliment cards once a month to their fellow students. Celebrate random acts of kindness by praising children who show selfless behavior. Have your students write weekly thank-you cards to someone in their life that they appreciate. Create bulletin boards that provide students with examples of kindness. Get creative!
4. Model Kindness: Of course, one of the best ways to teach kindness is to model it. Always treat others with compassion and consideration. Have respectful, empathetic conversations with students. When you model or express an emotion, name and explain it to your students. Depending on school rules, you can even bring your classroom to service activities!

The Results of Kindness

Once you implement teaching kindness in the classroom, you will see positive results in all aspects of school culture–not just related to bullying! Because kind acts release hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, they help create stronger bonds between students and encourage more acts of compassion.

Kindness encourages a strong sense of community and belonging while boosting students’ self-esteem. This is a result of the “helper’s high” that oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin give us after we help others. Kids feel good about themselves when they help others, and are more accepted by their peers. This combo of self-acceptance and peer-acceptance improves childrens’ happiness and sense of community.

Kindness can have physical benefits, too. The hormones released after a good deed lower stress and boost happiness, which is good for the heart and blood pressure, while reducing the aging process.

Plus, increased serotonin levels can help students with learning, memory, mood, sleep, health, and digestion–all which mean better concentration in the classroom.

Kindness and Reducing Bullying

Integrating kindness in schools can have drastic effects on bullying levels. When we teach children to be mindful of their thoughts and actions, we encourage them to behave compassionately. Such positive behavior is naturally rewarded through peer-acceptance, friendship, and strong community bonds. Kindness is the opposite of bullying. When kindness because a habit and even a culture in your classroom, bullying will diminish.

Though they have been implemented in schools for decades, zero-tolerance bullying policies just aren’t working. Bullying is still widespread throughout schools, and it’s hurting our kids. According to the CDC, students who experience bullying are at increased risk for poor school adjustment, sleep difficulties, anxiety, and depression.

But all hope is not lost. Anti-bullying programs in schools can decrease bullying by up to 25%. Teaching kindness to our students is an effective, positive way to stop bullying in schools and make kids happier, healthier, and safer.

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